25 of the Stupidest, Dumbest, Least Insightful and Most Inadvertently Hysterical Quotes from Football Announcers

hawksFootball commentators and analysts make the big bucks by sharing their expert insights with the viewing and listening public. But often what comes out of their mouths isn’t quite as deep and insightful as they’d like.  Here are 25 of the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) examples of football broadcasters in action, everything from Captain Obvious moments to extremely compelling double entendres to just plain WTF statements.   Prepare to be, um, bowled over . . .

Touchdowns are better than field goals.
Brady Quinn

The Patriot’s motto is one word:  Situational football.|
Steve Tasker

This is a home game.  This is where you finally get to play at home.
Joe Theismann

Meaningless yards are not meaningful.
Jon Gruden

The Dallas Cowboys have two kinds of plays in their offense: running plays and passing plays.
John Madden

The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders.
Emmitt Smith

A high ankle sprain is generally higher up on the ankle.
Ronde Barber

You have to do well on third downs.
Joe Buck

They have a lot of signs around their compound: “W-I-N”, which obviously stands for “win” . . .
Adam Archuleta

The winner of this game is going to be whoever has the most points on the scoreboard at the end of the game.
John Madden

It’s hard to matriculate the ball.
John Lynch

Don’t worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out… or, um… blown… blowed out… Let’s think about what we need to do going forward, and they had, uh… blown out.
Emmitt Smith

That was a well-executed play that they didn’t execute very well.
Kirk Herbstreit

You gotta score to put points on the board.
Joe Theismann

Al Michaels: Well, it appears that he has pulled his groin.
John Madden: And it’s a shame, it’s such a great groin.

Mike Mayock:  I’ll give you a golf analogy.
Dan Hicks:  Okay.
Mayock:  He’s like a really good golfer.

You can see that they ran it right up the A-hole.
Jerry Glanville

Remember, for it to be a forward pass, it’s got to go forward.
Phil Simms

The Lion’s turnover rate is low because the offense is turning over the ball and the defense isn’t causing turnovers.
Troy Aikman

They’ve got a good three man trio.
Ray Buchanan

Hardly anything wrong can go bad.
Phil Simms

I think it’s his self‑confidence in himself that makes him so confident.
Emmitt Smith

Like most NFL head coaches, that man is passionate about football.
Greg Gumbel

People wonder how the center couldn’t feel the hands on a snap. Well, that’s a lot of man down there.
Steve Tasker

They’re going to keep running the ball even when they’re not running the ball.
Troy Aikman

And … in honor of Tom Brady and his eloquent defense of Deflategate:

Everybody has a preference. Some guys like them round, some guys like them thin, some guys like them tacky, some guys like them brand new, some guys like old balls. They’re all different. … It’s a very individual thing.

I’m not squeezing the balls. That’s not part of my process.

They also know how I like the balls and I tell them how great they are.

a few other ballsy comments:

Both quarterbacks are not showing their balls, uh…shy of throwing the balls, uh, ball.
Pat Summerall

Smith isn’t the only one who is happy after a thorough ball‑buffing. Frank Gore had some fumbling problems early in the year. But Gore doesn’t seem to have any trouble holding onto Smith’s balls. The Broncos, who come from the capital of ball‑doctoring, may want to keep Jay Cutler’s balls in a humidor so the rookie’s passes don’t sail on him. But the Broncos backs and receivers may have trouble grasping soggy balls.
article, Fox Sports NFL

He had to cut the wind with his balls, which is something we had to see.
Mike Nolan

It’s fine to me.  Every time he throws a pass, it always comes right to me. I like his balls.
Vernon Davis

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Painful moments in wrong word choices

grammar personal circumcisions 2

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Things you don’t usually celebrate

super bowel sunday1

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from the Department of the Bleeding Obvious

peanuts

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The 80s are in town!: Or Dubious Decades

80s do

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When conundrums attack

no smoking prohibited

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from the Very Vital Newspaper Correction bureau:

A front-page editorial published Oct. 17 calling for the abolition of the Greek system at Dartmouth stated that in the late 1980s, Alpha Delta fraternity pledges were forced to perform oral sex on an ejaculating dildo. The editorial should have stated that some pledges were required to simulate oral sex on an inanimate object, which the house’s advisor now says may have been a banana.
- correction appearing in the Dartmouth

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Great moments in fortune cookie spelling

pears cookie

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Just say, um, neigh?

line breaks horse
via
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Great moments in enlightened red carpet interviewing

Or Why Not to Compliment Someone on Her Tan

Rashida Jones walked the Screen Actors Guild Awards red carpet on Sunday night — and was complimented on her “tan.”

TNT correspondent Danielle Demski greeted the Parks and Recreation actress on the red carpet by complimenting her dress and her glowing skin, The Grio reported on Monday. “You look amazing — gorgeous!” Demski began. “You look like you’ve just come off an island or something. You’re very tan, very tropical.”

The biracial, African-American and Jewish star accepted the “compliment” with a laugh and sway of her dress, but put the flattery to rest: “I mean, you know, I’m ethnic.”

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Inadvertently perfect promotions

blow out exlax

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Counting: more difficult than you think (apparently) (well, at least for New York magazine)

new york five
via/via

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Did you ever wonder why “Light My Fire” wasn’t a disco song? Wonder no more!

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Truly shitty typos

shits fired
h/t Beth Pearson
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Face plam.

grammar hlep wanted

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For absolutely no reason

ronald mcdonald gorilla

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from the Grievous Grammar collection: Great moments in school signs

grammar sometimes your the dog

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from the Crimes Against Fashion Files: Another perp from the 70s

his hers jumpsuits

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from the Grievous Grammar collection: Great moments in sphelling (the “h” is silent …)

astoria sign when whet
via
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When signs become too quantum mechanical

sign entrance only do not enter

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from the Grievous Grammar collection: Felonious wording at work

grammar great lawyers is coming

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Now that’s a cookbook title …

hide the sausage

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A would-be Darwin Awards winner?

car repair

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A high point in American literature …

stripping craze

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Truly ironic claims

its best
via
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