Let’s learn English with China’s People’s Liberation Army … and learn such helpful phrases as “Oh, so many weapons. Great!” , “You are defeated!”, and the enigmatic “What happens to us when postman disappears …?”
Trust the Defense Department to come up with a truly novel way to warn people against the dangers of venereal disease. Here’s the (taxpayer-funded, of course) cartoon starring . . . Count Spirochete! (He hangs in out your penis! He goes into a woman’s vagina! He’s bad!)
Sometimes people get a bit crazed in their efforts to keep things clean and pure … as in these examples of truly beyond-the-pale censored items on Britain’s Virgin Media TV on-screen guide.
Here’s another of the greatest moments in stupid bureaucracy: We all know that it’s tough to get out of jury duty. But we never knew they were so tough that they’d refuse to excuse a cat.
That’s what’s happening in Boston, where one Sal Esposito has been summoned for jury duty even though he’s a cat. According to the NY Daily News, his owner, Anna Esposito:
. . . filed to have her pet disqualified from the service requirement on the grounds he is “unable to speak and understand English.” She even included a letter from her vet explaining that Sal is not a human being but a “domestic short-haired neutered feline,” WHDH reported.
The court rejected the request, and as things stand, Sal will have to report for duty to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston on March 23.
WTF? Are they kidding? Well, it’s the government so the answer is no.
From the Guardian:
“The CIA has launched a taskforce to assess the impact of 250,000 leaked US diplomatic cables. Its name? WikiLeaks Task Force, or WTF for short.
The group will be charged with scouring the released documents to survey damage caused by the disclosures. One of the most embarrassing revelations was that the US state department had drawn up a list of information it would like on key UN figures – it later emerged the CIA had asked for the information. “Officially, the panel is called the WikiLeaks Task Force. But at CIA headquarters, it’s mainly known by its all-too-apt acronym: WTF,” the Washington Post reported.
WTF is more commonly associated with the Facebook and Twitter profiles of teenagers than secret agency committees.”
Just as we said. WTF?
Here’s another great moment for the TSA: publish your secret Screening Management Standard Operating Procedures online.
Just make sure people know that they’re secret — so terrorists don’t find out!
OK, we’re all complaining now about the TSA. Yes, it’s a vital job and someone’s got to do it. So let’s take a little test and see if you’re qualified to join the TSA.
1) What’s more dangerous?
a) a nail clipper…………………………………………………b) an M4 carbine rifle
2) What’s more dangerous?
a) a Gerber multitool………………………………………..b) an M240 machine gun
3) Who’s more of a threat to society?
a) a soldier returning back home from active duty b) a TSA employee
–4) If you were a terrorist and wanted to take over a plane, you would threaten the pilot with:
a) a large gun ………………………………………………………………………b) nail-clippers
If you answered all “b’s, ” congratulations! You are qualified to join the TSA!
If you answered all “a’s,” congratulations! You are not qualified to join the TSA!
How did we come up with these scientific questions? Well . . . here’s a real-life dialogue between a TSA agent and a soldier returning from Iraq as reported by the Examiner:
A helpful warning: If you happen to find yourself in Chandler, Arizona and you happen to be in the City Hall and you happen to be in the restroom and you happen to think, “Wow, I’m thirsty,” do NOT take a quick swig from the urinal or the toilet. Just in case you’re tempted, there are signs warning you about this:
Yes, seems that Chandler’s City Hall is a super-duper environmentally sound building that uses recycled cooling system water —so-called “gray water”— in the urinals and toilets. The gray water looks just like regular water, though. So thank heavens for these helpful signs which will prevent the perfectly reasonable mistake of thinking the urinal and/or toilet water isn’t recycled, but is instead a perfect thirst-quencher. (What? You mean you’ve never had a refreshing quaff from a urinal? )
We’re often not aware of the extremely detailed, multi-leveled work that goes on behind the scenes of our state and federal governments.
Unsung heroes of bureaucracy have spent hours, nay, years developing highly important procedures to cover the many challenges and questions facing society today. Herewith some of the best (which is to say stupidest) examples.
Destroying Old Woodsy Owl Costumes
1. Incinerate the complete costume with the oversight of an official USDA Forest Service law enforcement officer*.
2. The entire Woodsy Owl costume including each of the separate pieces is to be destroyed beyond recognition.
* If you do not have access to an official USDA Forest Service law enforcement representative, arrangements will be made for dealing with your costume by contacting the USDA-FS Washington Office at:
c/o National Symbols Program
P. O. Box 96090
Washington, D. C. 20090-6090