The Stupidest “Don’t Believe What I Said” Explanation, Excuse or Obfuscation, Newtonian

We kinda sorta thought that when one says something on say, national television, it means one has, well, said it.  Boy, are we naive or what?

Let us turn to one Newton “Newt” Gingrich who, on an interview with Fox News said:

I want to make sure every House Republican is protected from some kind of dishonest Democratic ad. So let me say on the record, any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood. Because I have said publicly those words were inaccurate and unfortunate and I’m prepared to stand up… When I make a mistake — and I’m going to on occasion — I want to share with the American people “that was a mistake” because that way we can have an honest conversation.

Yes.  If he is quoted as saying something he said, it is wrong.  Get it?

think progress

The Stupidest New Version of “It Depends on What the Meaning of the Word ‘Is’ Is”

Bill Clinton, move over!  There’s a new excessive parser in town — waxing philosophic about matters grammatical.   The man in question:  Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC).

When asked by Think Progress whether he thought his vote to extend billions in taxpayer subsidies to big oil companies even though they’re reporting record profits was fair, Scott sagely (and boldly!) answered:

“Well,  A) I have not seen the report so I can’t tell you whether it’s fair or not. I think everybody — fair is a relative word.”

“Fair is a relative word.”  Wow.  This is one heckuma slogan that would look great on a tee-shirt.


The Stupidest Example Given to Prove One Isn’t Racist

via Think Progress — Donald Trump on Fox & Friends explains why it’s clear he’s no racist:

“Well, you know, when it comes to racism and racists, I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people would me would tell you that. I am the least racist I’ve had great relationships. In fact, Randal Pinkett won, as you know, on The Apprentice a little while ago, a couple of years ago. And Randall’s been outstanding in every way. So I am the least racist person.”

Hey, it convinced us!

The Stupidest Flip Flop Explanation, Floppy

So presidential aspirant Newt Gingrich has been taking some heat for apparently flip-flopping on his position regarding U.S. intervention in Libya.  (He first said the U.S. should intervene in Libya, then when military action began, said the U.S. shouldn’t intervene in Libya.)

But he has a GREAT, if rather novel, explanation for this which he shared on Fox News this Sunday:  His first flip-flop (the U.S. should intervene) was actually a flip-flop from his initial position . . . so his last flip-flop isn’t really a flip-flop.  (?!?!)

Chris Wallace: You are taking some heat for what a lot of people are calling is a flip on what the U.S. should do in Libya. . . . Some are saying that whatever the President does or doesn’t do, you’re against.

Newt Gingrich: Well, you should have played an earlier clip when I was on Greta’s show in late February and I said we should be for replacing Gaddafi without using the U.S. military. Now, the President on March 3 changed the rules of the game. the President came out publicly and said Gaddafi must go. and so I was citing there my original position which is if you are not in the lake, don’t jump in. once you’re in the lake, swim like crazy.

Aha.  Now we get it . . .  (Well, not really, but whatever.)

from The Stupidest Excuse Department

After being fired for gross mismanagement of food safety for Boston Public Schools, including having food in the pantries dating back to 2008 (hey, that’s a few years ago, isn’t it — but aren’t eggs like wine — they get better as they age?) ousted Deputy School Superintendent Michael J. Goar explained “Just because you have [out of date food], does not mean you are going to use it.”

Umm . . .So why keep it? To look at it?


The Stupidest Excuse for Cheating on Your Wife, Ever-So-Patriotic

Newt Gingrich at his patriotic best— defending having put his schtuker where it shouldn’t have been, speaking on the Christian Broadcasting Network.  He did it for America!

There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how
passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate…

And here we thought he was just being horny.  Boy, are WE embarrassed!

the brody file

The Stupidest Confusing and Obfuscatory Political Explanation

Our nomination for the best “this means nothing, but it sounds terribly euphonious so perhaps no one will notice” ass-covering  blather of the year (thus far):

When: February 23
Who:  British Foreign Secretary William Hague
What:  attempting to explain why a chartered jet didn’t make it out of Gatwick Airport to pick up British citizens in Libya

“We need to know whether today was a coincidental series of unavoidable setbacks, or a systemic flaw.”

Indeed.  Us too.

language log

The Stupidest Excuse for Urine Having Been Flung On Library Books, Ivy League Division

So the other day, we learn that there was an apparent hate crime at Harvard’s Lamont Library.  Someone had spilled urine all over books in the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual section.

But yesterday, we learn it wasn’t a hate crime at all. It was just a simple mistake that could have happened to anyone!  See, there was this vial of urine on a library shelf and a library worker accidentally spilled it, and its contents spilled all over the LGBT books.   Of course!  We can’t count how many times we’ve had to be careful not to spill vials of urine while at the library!

As the Crimson reported,

Faculty of Arts and Sciences spokesman Jeff Neal wrote in an e-mail that it remains unclear why a bottle of urine was stowed in the library, adding that the spill was reported by the library employee—the same person who caused the spill, according to his understanding—and cleaned up the same day that it occurred.

Makes perfect sense!  Case closed.