25 of the Stupidest, Dumbest, Least Insightful and Most Inadvertently Hysterical Quotes from Football Announcers

hawksFootball commentators and analysts make the big bucks by sharing their expert insights with the viewing and listening public. But often what comes out of their mouths isn’t quite as deep and insightful as they’d like.  Here are 25 of the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) examples of football broadcasters in action, everything from Captain Obvious moments to extremely compelling double entendres to just plain WTF statements.   Prepare to be, um, bowled over . . .

Touchdowns are better than field goals.
Brady Quinn

The Patriot’s motto is one word:  Situational football.|
Steve Tasker

This is a home game.  This is where you finally get to play at home.
Joe Theismann

Meaningless yards are not meaningful.
Jon Gruden

The Dallas Cowboys have two kinds of plays in their offense: running plays and passing plays.
John Madden

The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders.
Emmitt Smith

A high ankle sprain is generally higher up on the ankle.
Ronde Barber

You have to do well on third downs.
Joe Buck

They have a lot of signs around their compound: “W-I-N”, which obviously stands for “win” . . .
Adam Archuleta

The winner of this game is going to be whoever has the most points on the scoreboard at the end of the game.
John Madden

It’s hard to matriculate the ball.
John Lynch

Don’t worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out… or, um… blown… blowed out… Let’s think about what we need to do going forward, and they had, uh… blown out.
Emmitt Smith

That was a well-executed play that they didn’t execute very well.
Kirk Herbstreit

You gotta score to put points on the board.
Joe Theismann

Al Michaels: Well, it appears that he has pulled his groin.
John Madden: And it’s a shame, it’s such a great groin.

Mike Mayock:  I’ll give you a golf analogy.
Dan Hicks:  Okay.
Mayock:  He’s like a really good golfer.

You can see that they ran it right up the A-hole.
Jerry Glanville

Remember, for it to be a forward pass, it’s got to go forward.
Phil Simms

The Lion’s turnover rate is low because the offense is turning over the ball and the defense isn’t causing turnovers.
Troy Aikman

They’ve got a good three man trio.
Ray Buchanan

Hardly anything wrong can go bad.
Phil Simms

I think it’s his self‑confidence in himself that makes him so confident.
Emmitt Smith

Like most NFL head coaches, that man is passionate about football.
Greg Gumbel

People wonder how the center couldn’t feel the hands on a snap. Well, that’s a lot of man down there.
Steve Tasker

They’re going to keep running the ball even when they’re not running the ball.
Troy Aikman

And … in honor of Tom Brady and his eloquent defense of Deflategate:

Everybody has a preference. Some guys like them round, some guys like them thin, some guys like them tacky, some guys like them brand new, some guys like old balls. They’re all different. … It’s a very individual thing.

I’m not squeezing the balls. That’s not part of my process.

They also know how I like the balls and I tell them how great they are.

a few other ballsy comments:

Both quarterbacks are not showing their balls, uh…shy of throwing the balls, uh, ball.
Pat Summerall

Smith isn’t the only one who is happy after a thorough ball‑buffing. Frank Gore had some fumbling problems early in the year. But Gore doesn’t seem to have any trouble holding onto Smith’s balls. The Broncos, who come from the capital of ball‑doctoring, may want to keep Jay Cutler’s balls in a humidor so the rookie’s passes don’t sail on him. But the Broncos backs and receivers may have trouble grasping soggy balls.
article, Fox Sports NFL

He had to cut the wind with his balls, which is something we had to see.
Mike Nolan

It’s fine to me.  Every time he throws a pass, it always comes right to me. I like his balls.
Vernon Davis

The Stupid Not-Quite-Olympic Competition

Yes, it’s the Shin-Kicking Olympics! Held in Gloucester, England, the rules are very basic: Kick your opponent’s shins until he falls to the ground.

A judge explains the specifics:

“I kind of get quite annoyed when people think that shin kicking is quite literally two guys facing each other and kicking each other as hard as possible in the shins. The easiest ways to describe it is it’s a bit like wrestling but with a lot of contact below the knees.

“The idea is really to throw the person to the ground, but to throw the person to the ground you’ve got to unbalance by kicking them first.”

Let the games begin!