The 2012 Stupidest Things Ever Said (and Written) Awards

It’s time for the annual Stupidest Things Ever Said (and Written) Awards for 2012 — celebrating the stupidest, most ridiculous, most asinine and most idiotic things said or written during the course of the year.  And now, without further ado, the 2012 winners.

The “Good God, Just Shove a Sock in His/Her Mouth” Award
for Stupidly Outrageous and Ridiculously Offensive Punditry  
… goes to columnist Megan McArdle, for her comments following the tragedy in Newtown

mcardle

“I’d also like us to encourage people to gang rush shooters, rather than following their instincts to hide; if we drilled it into young people that the correct thing to do is for everyone to instantly run at the guy with the gun, these sorts of mass shootings would be less deadly, because even a guy with a very powerful weapon can be brought down by 8-12 unarmed bodies piling on him at once.”

 The Astronomically Asinine Headline, Planet Division Award
… goes to CBC News

garbage truck

The “I’m No Abraham Lincoln Award”
for Stupid Attempts at Political Rhetoric
… goes to Mitt Romney

romney

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”

 

The Honorary Joe Biden Award
… goes to Joe Biden

biden

“Folks, I can tell you I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.”

 

The How Reading is Cnoindenting Award
goes to… the Kindle edition of  Blood Relatives by Ed McBain

kindle

 

The Celebrity “Oh, Just Shut Up” Award
goes to … Madonna

madonna

“It’s about finding a man you can look up to, and comparing them to archetypes that I obviously adore—John Travolta in ‘Saturday Night Fever,’ Bruce Lee, Abraham Lincoln.”

 

The Unfortunate Newspaper Juxtaposition
… goes to the Daily Telegraph

witchcraft

 

The Inappropriate Animal Imagery Award for Rather Stupid Sex Writing
… goes to Tom Wolfe and his Back to Blood

wolfe

“Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle’s own lips and maw — all this without a word.”

 

The Devil is in the Details Award
… goes to WHSmith

20 percent off scotsman

 

The Definitive Commentary on Hurricane Sandy Award
…goes to Lindsay Lohan

lohan

 

The Vital Magazine Correction of the Year Award
… goes to Vogue

vogue corrections

 

The Lingerie Model Big Brain Award
… goes to Abbey Clancy

clancy

“They [models] have to have brains because they’re paid a lot of money … Elle Macpherson has got her own underwear out … You have to have brains for that.”

 

The Most Intriguing Headline of the Year Award
… goes to the Daily Mercury

dildo

The Stupidest “North, South, What’s the Diff” Moment from Our Own Calendar

So.  We blew it.  Note the insanely ridiculous error we didn’t catch in the 2012 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar.  Egg on our face.  The shame, the shame.  The horror, the horror.  And all that.  (On the plus side:  now you can see why we have chosen stupidity as the main focal point of our careers … !)

Thanks to all of those eagle-eyed readers who caught this, informed us and (in some cases!) didn’t rub it in too much!

The NEWEST STUPIDEST!

It’s just out— the fabulously stupid collection we put together due to popular demand:  The Stupidest Things Ever Said Book of All-Time Stupidest Top 10 Lists.  A stupid title for a very stupid book!

It’s the best of the Stupidest —which makes it the stupidest of the stupidest, actually — culled from 17 years of the 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said calendar (and some extra brand-new stupids as well), with everything from the Top 10 Stupidest and Most Incredibly Annoying Things Said by Rich People to the Top 10 Stupidest Things to Say to a (Film) Space Alien to the Top 10 Stupidest Sportscaster On Air Moments.

Buy it on Amazon . . .  Barnes & Noble . . . Books-a-Million . . . or wherever stupid books are sold!

The Stupidest Distinctly Non-Erotic Erotic Scene from a Novel by a Radio Host, Very Very Bad

There are many different opinions of radio host Michael Savage.   One thing, though, we think everyone can agree on:  He is one very, very bad novelist.  (Very.)  The evidence, this snippet from his new novel Abuse of Power.  (We are tempted to make a joke about abuse of literature, but we won’t.  You will suffer enough in just one second.)

As he drew nearer and removed her T-shirt and panties, she began to moan deeply and loudly. Loudly and deeply. In the midst of their heat, such a state of abandon was reached that the normally voyeuristic Jack, who liked to watch himself make love, actually fell from the bed onto the hot radiator. But, like the Indian fakirs who can be on a bed of nails without later showing puncture marks, Jack did not scorch or burn, nothing visible remaining except a small soreness days later.

Once he was inside her, she began to cry and shudder in a series of small convulsions. He had never been with a woman who reacted like this and was both surprised and excited by her abandon.

Her cries became veritable screams as she moaned, and her eyes became glassy with passion. As Jack continued to bring Sara to an increasingly greater state of tension and release, tension — a violent begging for release and then the convulsive wave — her screaming became threatening.

Wow.  In one second, we will be screaming.  And we think our screaming will become threatening.  (Very.)

media matters

(For more reprehensible unsexy sexy writing, see The 7 Stupidest Sex Scenes Written by Politicians, Pundits and Other Washington Insiders)

The Stupidest Book Title Department

Dildo Cay.

The title gives you an idea of the book, with inadvertent ( or is it) gems of dialogue like this:

“Father, I want to talk with you!’
Adrian had been watching his father walk the dike unsteadily, and suddenly he had seen himself at the age of sixty walking the dike unsteadily, and on top of his restlessness it was too much for him.
‘How strong do you think that pickle is?’ his father asked, ignoring the tone of Adrian’s.

How strong is that pickle?  Read it and see . . .

americanbookreview

The Stupidest Excerpts from Truly Stupendous Literature, Snooki-Style

Brace yourselves.  A Shore Thing, the novel that Snooki “wrote” is coming out tomorrow — and already excerpts of her compelling prose have been released.

(We’re sure you will note the inevitable comparisons with other fine writers like Faulkner, Tolstoy, and Pamela Anderson . . . )

  • “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
  • “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”
  • “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
  • “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”
  • “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

Yes, we agree.  Sheer poetry . . .

see also: The 10 Stupidest Reasons Snooki Will Make a Wonderful Author and The 4 Stupidest “Why Was This Ever Published?” Celebrity Books

Addendum:  Lest we forget, Snooki’s co-“star” JWoww is also coming out with a book, cleverly titled The Rules According to JWoww. Today she put a particularly riveting excerpt on Facebook:

Here’s a sneak peek at my new book, THE RULES ACCORDING TO JWOWW
Rule 32: Reheated pasta never tastes the same
I don’t care how great that plate of penne à la vodka was last Sunday night. When you serve it as leftovers on Tuesday, it just ain’t as good. The same goes for relationships: if you rekindle your ex-files, do not expect things…

Woww, indeed.

The Stupidest Person/Country Confusion of the Day, “Journalistic”

Some fascinating insights, fascinatingly worded, about the process of picking Time’s Man of the Year  by  “journalist” and daughter of John McCain Meghan McCain on the Daily Beast today (it has since been edited):

I was one of the people on Time’s panel to nominate and argue over who was most deserving of the title…. Everyone chose both interesting and year poignant candidates.  Other notable people that were discussed were Nancy Pelosi, Glenn Beck and the country of Haiti.

Umm….  “year poignant”?   Wha?  “People like . . . the country of Haiti”?   Huh?  Well, let’s be fair to Meegs.  How many times have we thought a country was a person?*

*(A:  Never.  But we’re going to be polite and not mention that.)

Via Gawker, the screenshot of the text BEFORE it was edited:

gawker
daily beast (w/edited text)

THE 2010 STUPIDEST THINGS EVER SAID AWARDS ANNOUNCED!!

President Barack Obama, Snooki, Sen. Minority Leader John Boehner, BP ceo Tony Hayward, and costume jewelry designer Kenneth Jay Lane make the list of the Stupidest Things Ever Said in 2010 winners.

The Stupidest Things Ever Said awards – selected by verbal gaffe experts Ross and Kathryn Petras, the compilers of the best-selling annual Page-A-Day calendar The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said (now in its 17th year) – are given in 11 different categories celebrating the stupidest things said, printed, broadcast or otherwise disseminated in the current calendar year.

And the 2010 winners are . . . Continue reading

The Stupidest How-To Instructions On Line, Courtesy of eHow

So the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is on tonight (marking yet another high note for excellence on television, of course) and you, like many other people, may ask yourself this pressing question:  How does one become a Victoria’s Secret model?

You’ll be happy to know that the step-by-step instructions are actually on line.  And, if we’re to believe eHow,  it’s amazingly easy!   Let’s take a look at the first two of the seven steps:

  1. Search online by entering “Become a Victoria’s Secret model” into your web browser. You’ll find current information about how to become a Victoria’s Secret model.
  2. Peruse the websites of the Elite Modeling Agency and the Ford Modeling Agency. They are the 2 agencies who currently book models for Victoria’s Secret.

Gee, it sounds like anyone can become a Victoria’s Secret model, no?*

* (A:  No.)

the hairpin

The Stupidest Writing About Sex, Award-Winning

Writer Rowan Somerville is the winner of the 19th annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award (beating out other notables, like the U.S.A.’s Jonathan “Chocolate Log” Franzen).

Judges explained that he got the coveted award for his book, The Shape of Her which contains numerous “wince-inducing” descriptions of sexual encounters, according to the Guardian.    One line in particular was cited:

“Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”

Wince-inducing?  We concur.  Heartily.

Then there’s:

He unbuttoned the front of her shirt and pulled it to the side so that her breast was uncovered, her nipple poking out, upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night. He took it between his lips and sucked the salt from her.

Nipples like nocturnal animal noses?  Yup.  And he describes pubic hair as “like desert vegetation following an underground stream.”  No WONDER this guy won!

(Somerville said he was honored, and released a statement saying, “there is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the entire nation I would like to thank you”)

cbc news

The Stupidest Sex Scene Written This Year By A Very Acclaimed Writer (Who Really Should Know Better)

Jonathan "The Chocolate Log" Franzen

Every year, the Literary Review gives out a “Bad Sex in Literature Award.”  And this year, novelist Jonathan Franzen — who has had the literary world squealing like tweens at a Justin Bieber concert over his work — is up for the dubious honor.  The award is given to the writer guilty of writing the “most embarrassing passage of sexual description in a novel.”   (The winner will be announced on November 29.)

Here’s what Franzen was nominated for, a passage about phone sex in his novel Freedom:

One afternoon, as Connie described it, her excited clitoris grew to be eight inches long, a protruding pencil of tenderness with which she gently parted the lips of his penis and drove herself down to the base of its shaft. Another day, at her urging, Joey described to her the sleek warm neatness of her turds as they slid from her anus and fell into his open mouth, where, since these were only words, they tasted like excellent dark chocolate.
.
.

“Protruding pencil of tenderness”?   Oy.  “Sleek warm neatness of her turds”?  Oh please.   This is truly terrible.  Which is to say that this seems like one helluva contender, sez us.  (Well, sez we, but us sounds better.)  USA!  USA!

the telegraph

The Stupidest and Least Necessary Restroom Sign

A helpful warning:  If you happen to find yourself in Chandler, Arizona and you happen to be in the City Hall and you happen to be in the restroom and you happen to think, “Wow, I’m thirsty,” do NOT take a quick swig from the urinal or the toilet.  Just in case you’re tempted, there are signs warning you about this:

Yes, seems that Chandler’s City Hall is a super-duper environmentally sound building that uses recycled cooling system water —so-called “gray water”— in the urinals and toilets.   The gray water looks just like regular water, though.  So thank heavens for these helpful signs which will prevent the perfectly reasonable mistake of thinking the urinal and/or toilet water isn’t recycled, but is instead a perfect thirst-quencher.   (What?  You mean you’ve never had a refreshing quaff from a urinal? )

The Stupidest Scam Spam E-Mail (purportedly from the FBI)

Maybe it’s us.  Maybe we’re cynical.  Maybe it’s because we’re not, say, congressmen from Iowa (we speak here of a certain father-in-law of a certain daughter of a certain former president*).  But for whatever reason, there’s something about this e-mail from an FBI special agent that makes us wonder whether it’s legit.

You think maybe Mr. Bill has that casiers cheque for us . . .?

*Rep. Ed Mezvinsky (D-Iowa) who wound up serving 7 years for fraud after he got duped by the old Nigerian “we have funds waiting for you” e-mail scam)

The Top Ten Peculiarly Intriging Headlines

•  Two Mexican Midget Wrestlers Killed by Fake Prostitutes
—headline,  Fox News

•  N. Korean Leader Names Ancient Frog “Ancient Frog”
—headline, Bangkok Post

•  Ride a Giant Weiner to The Land of Smiles
headline, Charlotte News – about riding around town in the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile

•  Man Robs then Kills Himself
headline, Washington Post

•  AFRICA:  Glamour.  Decadence.  Murder.  Hundreds of secretarial opportunities
headline in working women’s association magazine Nine to Five

•  Skydiver lands on beer vendor at women’s cole slaw wrestling event
headline, Petersburg (VA) Progressive-Index

•  Five-headed coach to lead Washington School
headline, Wenatchee World (Washington)  – about a football team which will have five co-head coaches

•  Thousands of False Eyelash Factory Workers Run Amok
headline, Jakarta Post

•  Concealed weapon charges filed against nude dancer
headline, La Mesa, CA newspaper

•  Only poets can save us from millennium buggery
headline, Times of India

•  Ants Show British Transit How to Control Computers
headline, Daily Telegraph

The Stupidest Attempts at Rhymes by Very Bad Poets

The intrepid very bad poet doesn’t let something as simple as not having the right word in mind get in his or her way.  Sometimes a bad poet stretches so hard for a rhyme that we as readers are forced to do a little stretching on our own, as in the following prime examples of truly creative attempts at rhyming.

……..

from In a Book-store by Francis Saltus Saltus

Sad, on Broadway next afternoon,
I strolled in listless manner,
Humming her most detested tune,
And smoking an Havana.

from The Light-Bearer of Liberty by J.W. Scholl

Gooing babies, helpless pygmies,
Who shall solve your Fate’s enigmas?

from Indian Corn by Rev. William Cook

Corn, corn, sweet Indian corn,
Greenly you grew long ago.
Indian field well to adorn,
And to parch or grind hah-ho!

excerpted from Very Bad Poetry

The Stupidest Celebrity-Under-The-Age-Of-17 Memoir

The “author”:  boy singer Justin Bieber joins the ranks of other celebrity writers.
The literary work:  A memoir examining the 16 years of his life —entitled First Step 2 Forever:  My Story.

If you aren’t feeling a little ill yet, look at the following — a dramatic reading from the book by 80-year-old Canadian actor Gordon Pinsenton on CBC’s satirical sketch comedy show”This Hour has 22 Minutes”.

The Stupidest Email Sent By A Principal (Earning Over $100k)

Brooklyn, New York middle school principal Andrew Buck sent a memo to teachers explaining why he felt the school didn’t need more textbooks.   Problem is, the email reads as though he needs to read textbooks, specifically English grammar ones.  Here’s one small excerpt.  Read it and weep:

“Text books are the soup de jour, the sine qua non, the nut and bolts of teaching and learning in high school and college so to speak.”  [more of the letter is here]

No, we don’t quite get it either.  (And, yes, it’s soup DU jour.  And nutS and bolts.  So to speak.)  But, hey, he’s the principal!  So if he says the kids don’t need textbooks (which, incidentally, he kept writing as two words), he must be right . . . right?

The 10 Stupidest Things You Might Not Know About God

  • He likes caffeinated beverages!

Marxism
God’s Favored Coffee!
– instant coffee, Korea

  • He has broken the law!

God Gets a Parking Caution:
“No Exceptions” Say Police
– actual newspaper headline

  • He likes winning!

I can’t perceive God being on the mound in the ninth inning and saying [a loss] is the way it should be.  I perceive Him as being an individual who would beat you any way he can as long as it’s within the rules.
– baseball manager Dick Balderson

  • And He likes cheesy music!

God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.
singer Donna Summer

  • He‛s up for a sweepstakes prize!

God, we’ve been searching for you.  What an incredible fortune there would be for God! Could you imagine the looks you’d get from your neighbors?  But don’t just sit there, God.
– part of a letter to “God” from the American Family Publishers, sent to God at the Bushnell Assembly of God in Bushnell, FLA, saying that God was a finalist for the $11 million top prize

  • He prefers calling friends instead of texting them!

dialogue in American film: That’s when I got my call from God.
subtitle as it appeared in Europe: That’s when God telephoned me.

  • He‛s been sued!

Jones v. God, Jesus, Others
– actual court case filed in the U.S.

  • He‛s sometimes a little lonely . . . which is when he likes to snack!

Lonely God potato twists
– snack food, China

  • He‛s posed for artists!

Statue of God the Father.  Approximately life-size.
– from a catalog of antiques for sale, as printed in the Evening Standard (London)

  • He‛s a club man!

God was the first Kiwanian.
– Rev. W.F. Powell, speaking before the Kiwanis Club of Columbus

The 10 Stupidest — and Spaciest — Things Ever Said About Space

Today kicks off World Space Week – a week dedicated to, well, space.   In honor of this auspicious occasion, we present the following stupidest things ever said about space and subjects relating to space.

On Space Travel, Real High Tech
I’ll have my first Zambian astronaut on the Moon by 1965, using my own firing system, derived from the catapult. …I’m getting them acclimatized to space travel by placing them in my space capsule every day.  It’s a 40 gallon oil drum in which they sit, and then I roll them down a hill.  This gives them the feeling of rushing through space. I also make them swing from the end of a long rope.  When they reach the highest point, I cut the rope — this produces free fall.
Edward Mukaka Nkoloso, director general of the Zambia National Academy of Space Research in  1964

On Earth, Where Found
[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
– vice president Dan Quayle on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

Continue reading

The Stupidest Poem Ever Written About Bad Teeth

A poem about dental problems, you may ask?

Yes.

The poet, Solyman Brown (1790-1876), was of that rare breed — poet-dentist. He owned a dental supply store, was a founder of the American Society of Dental Surgeons, and worked with the New York Teeth Manufacturing Company.  So it is no wonder his best known literary work is about teeth, the aptly named “Dentologia–A Poem on the Diseases of the Teeth and Their Proper Remedies with Notes, Practical, Historical, Illustrative, and Explanatory by Eleazer Parmly, Dentist.”

And it’s a real humdinger — as you can see by the excerpts below,

from The Dentologia — A Poem on the Diseases of the Teeth

. . . her lips disclosed to view,
Those ruined arches, veiled in ebon hue,
Where love had thought to feast the ravished sight
On orient gems reflecting snowy light,
Hope, disappointed, silently reitred,
Digust triumphant came, and love expired!
. . .
Whene‛er along the ivory disks, are seen,
The filthy footsteps of the dark gangrene;
When caries come, with stealthy pace to throw
Corrosive ink spots on those  banks of snow –
Brook no delay, ye trembling, suffering fair,
But fly for refuge to the dentist‛s care.

from the book Very Bad Poetry

The 4 Stupidest “Why Was This Ever Published?” Celebrity Books

In honor of Banned Book Week, we present a few books that SHOULD have been banned. We are speaking of some books “written” by celebrities.  (For truly dreadful books written by politicians, see The 7 Stupidest Sex Scenes Written by Politicians, Pundits and Other Washington Insiders)

#1)  Star (and its sequel Star Struck) by Pamela “You Don’t Need a Particularly Big Brain to Write Books As Long As You’ve Got Those Hooters” Anderson

Miss Anderson, if not well-known for her brain, is of course quite well known for the other (two) bumps of her anatomy, and her books naturally seem to focus on those large and fleshy protuberances.   The book flap from the first book essentially sums the interior content and general literary quality perfectly: “What really happens when A-list meets D-cup?” A pertinent question.

Continue reading

10 of the Stupidest Newspaper Corrections Ever Printed

  • The Daily Evergreen would like to sincerely apologize for an injustice served to the Filipino-American, Spanish-speaking and Catholic communities on the front page of Thursday’s Evergreen. The story “Filipino-American history recognized” stated that the “Nuestra Senora de Buena Esperanza,” the galleon on which the first Filipinos landed at Morro Bay, Calif., loosely translates to “The Big Ass Spanish Boat.” It actually translates to “Our Lady of Good Hope.”
    —correction in Washington State University’s Daily Evergreen
  • Correction
    Current regrets describing the offices of NPR Ventures as “plush” in the March 25 issue. Although there is a couch in the reception area that could be described as plush, on closer inspection the offices proved to be just ordinary.
    —correction in the telecommunications magazine, Current
  • Corrections
    A caption on the front page of Thursday’s paper misidentified a room in the Department of Environmental Conservation laboratory in Juneau.  The room in the photograph is the men’s bathroom.
    —correction in the Trenton (NJ) Times
    Continue reading

10 of The Stupidest Police Blotter Items Ever Published

Suspicious food!  Mysterious puking intruders! Non-compliant ducks!  Swooning trees!  And more!

♦  In Portola, a caller reported that while she was in the shower, someone snuck into her house and vomited on her stove.  A deputy reported that it appeared to be cooking grease on the stove.
–the Portola (Calif.) Reporter

♦  Mountain View Friday
Wal-mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can.  Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.
–from the police blotter column of a California newspaper

♦  Donuts were reported loitering in a field on Opening Hill Road.
–police blotter item

♦  A police officer…found 17 clear plastic bags between two parked cars.  Fourteen bags appeared to contain cocaine, and three appeared to contain marijuana, police reported….If the drugs belong to you, call the detective bureau at 420-2106
–the Hoboken (NJ) Reporter

Continue reading