In honor of Banned Book Week, we present a few books that SHOULD have been banned. We are speaking of some books “written” by celebrities. (For truly dreadful books written by politicians, see The 7 Stupidest Sex Scenes Written by Politicians, Pundits and Other Washington Insiders)
Miss Anderson, if not well-known for her brain, is of course quite well known for the other (two) bumps of her anatomy, and her books naturally seem to focus on those large and fleshy protuberances. The book flap from the first book essentially sums the interior content and general literary quality perfectly: “What really happens when A-list meets D-cup?” A pertinent question.
Excerpt From Book That Should Have Been Banned: “Honey,” Lucille said, stroking her daughter’s hair. “What’s wrong?”
“I…I found…a lump,” Star managed to choke out.
“A lump?” Lucille asked, confused.
“Right here.” Star took her mother’s hand and placed in on the poisonous node. “I think it’s cancer.”
“Oh,” Lucille said, drawing back suddenly and laughing as she wrapped her arms around her beloved daughter. “Well, well, well,” she said, rocking Star gently. “You’re not dying, you’re just growing up. Looks like you’re finally going to get some boobs. You’re becoming a woman, honey. You’re blooming!”
And bloom she did. Her breasts came on suddenly and tenaciously, as if trying to make up for lost time. The hard bump turned out to be one of a pair of unruly and self-willed nipples. [ed. note: “unruly nipples?”]
The Author Speaks: “I don’t think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!”
On her book: “The book could have been worse – we had to cut stuff out.”
“I want to show you how my memories smell.” With this rather interesting choice of words and usages, Tommy Lee introduces us to his “book,” appropriately entitled. It is autobiographical, but it is something more; it helpfully provides the reader valuable information on how to live life as he does. For example, Mr. Lee discusses in quite vivid detail the mechanics of threesomes and foursomes, leading us (and him) to the inevitable conclusion: Foursomes are far better. You get more horny.
Excerpt From Book That Should Have Been Banned: “There are only so many things you can all do together and there are a few lovely things you can do to both of them at the same time and them to you. But when it comes time for [bleeping], unless there’s something out there that I don’t know about, you’ve only got one [sex organ] so there’s always someone waiting. The thing to do is have foursomes. Three chicks and just you. If you have three chicks as into one another as they are into you, you can [have sex with] one and watch the other two go at it, which adds to the overall horniness. [I] may increase the number of girls, but [I’ll] never be with fewer than three.
The Author Speaks: “You should mention that I hands-down won the category of Ultimate Pickup Line, for singing the Oscar Meyer theme song about my penis over the phone to Pamela.” (Note for the curious: The puckishly clever song began with “My baloney has a first name, it’s p-e-n-i-s…”)
Ms. Beckham’s book was a 528 page autobiography and was the third bestselling non-fiction in the United Kingdom in 2001. It sold over 500,000 copies.
The author poignantly recounts hearing the theme song from the movie Fame, and being particularly struck by the lyrics “I’m going to live forever, I’m going to learn to fly,” which people may recall forms the refrain of the movie’s theme song.
Simply put, these flight-as-metaphor-for-success lyrics inspired the young teen, (who was sometimes driven to school in her father’s Rolls Royce) to become a success (and later inspired the title of her book). As the book jacket says, “With this amazing book she gives us the chance to fly alongside her on her journey from lonely teenager to international star.” An astute reviewer on Amazon.com called it “absoluetely [sic] wonderful..”
Ms. Beckham published another work in 2006, That Extra ½ Inch– a discourse on fashion, which takes the perhaps controversial position that flats with straight jeans are a no-no.
The Author Speaks: “I haven’t read a book in my life. I haven’t got enough time . . . I do love fashion magazines.” [Note: Miss Beckham now explains that this quote was misunderstood. What she meant to say was that she didn’t have time to read a book from “cover to cover.”]
On fashion book writing: “People love dressing like me so why not profit from it?”
Miss Campbell’s debut novel Swan is unusual if only because Campbell’s agent actually admitted Naomi didn’t exactly write the story of a model’s life in her own words. Instead, she sort of wrote it. If you’re confused, so are we. In the agent’s words: “Naomi’s very much the author but Caroline [Upcher] is the writer. That’s fair. You can’t expect Naomi to produce a novel straight off on her own.” Maybe you can’t. Who are we to quarrel with such a celebrity?
Excerpt From the Book That Should Have Been Banned:
Sprawled in front of a spin drier, wearing nothing but a pair of white cotton briefs and sneakers, her cropped hair thrown back as she chugalugged a can of Diet Coke, her pierced nose with the chain stretched across her face and running down her lip, Celestia came across on the page as an un unmistakably classy piece of ass.
The Author Speaks:
“I just did not have the time to sit down and write a book”